March 12, 2012 by Jennifer
I don’t participate in any traditional religious faith, but this Franciscan priest has become my new guru.
I thought I’d share this clip from YouTube that I love:
If you like this, you might want to sign up for Fr. Richard Rohr’s daily meditations here.Category spiritual growth | Tags: | 2 Comments
March 5, 2012 by Jennifer
Sorry for the long delay in posting. Delving into my journals was sickening. They were hard to read.
Coming across this naive journal entry from 1992 is a good example of how clueless I was as I got into that work. I have no recollection of this, but realized while reading my journal that I very often threw up after working a shift in the strip club. (I didn’t start drinking until a few years later, so I was not sick from alcohol.) I was so disconnected that it never occurred to me that this new job was actually making me physically ill.
What had happened that year was that I was trying to get back into school, but my parents had reneged on a promise to match the $4,000 I’d saved. Realizing I wasn’t going to get the tuition or dorm money from them, I was trying to figure out how to make a lot of money as fast as possible.
When I first starting stripping, it felt extremely empowering to me. For the first time in my life, I was able to be financial independent. That sense of independence was intoxicating.
I stayed pretty functional and in school from 1992 until 1995. I didn’t drink, made almost straight As, and used my stripping money to pay for my tuition and living expenses. Towards the middle of 1995, it started to take its toll. I began having extreme panic attacks and couldn’t leave my house. I ended up with 18 Fs on my transcript as I repeatedly enrolled and stopped attending classes.
It was rough to read my journal entries from those years.
So, after going through and processing all of that (and having a few more appointments with my analyst), I felt ready to talk openly about my experiences with the group of women at the non-profit. I was pretty nervous and asked the program director if we could change it up to more of a discussion, but, alas, at the last minute, the talk was canceled.
I didn’t have to tell anyone my story.
But I did get my ass kicked in having to process it.
I believe that was the whole point for me. Nothing else could have forced me into that material. I think I needed to come to terms with the reality of my own story before I could be helpful to others.
I’ve been working one on one with women over the last couple of months. I can get pretty overtired with being pregnant and trying to keep up with this graduate program, but every day I volunteer I feel an infusion of energy and deep joy. It feels like this is the right path for me.
Another thing I’ve learned is that discerning the right path isn’t about maniacally organizing my future plans into some perfectly scripted spreadsheet that I then need to execute. (My historical pattern.) I am trying hard to ‘let go’, to stay a bit more connected to my feelings, and to follow what feels right with regard to pursuing this work.
So, right now, I’m 35 weeks pregnant, still taking classes, and continuing to work with the non profit.
Other than that, I don’t know…
It's a boy!
Category social work, spiritual growth, storytelling | Tags: | 7 Comments
January 17, 2012 by Jennifer
It is so good to hear from you all! I am sorry that I’ve not updated. I do plan to post to this blog regularly, but may not be able to as frequently as I’d like.
I thought I’d had some time off, but got called at the last minute to be a court advocate where two teenage girls were having to testify. The cross examination was tough. Those girls had so much courage!
And, you already know that I’m nervous about the talk I’m supposed to give next month about my history as a stripper. Well, it seems there was a mix up, and their January speaker couldn’t attend at the last minute. They’ve asked if I could please give my talk this month instead of next – or in one week!
So, I’ve decided to delve into some old journals from the 199os. I worked for almost 8 years, but honestly don’t remember anything from the years 1995-1998. Should be interesting…
Category social work, spiritual growth, volunteer work | Tags: | 6 Comments
December 31, 2011 by Jennifer
I really thought I’d be changing topics on this blog, but I feel more connected to those of you who followed me over here. I guess that is prompting some reflective writing that I didn’t know I’d be doing.
Maybe I don’t have anyone to talk to about this — except you!
You know that I disclosed my past work as a stripper on my last blog, but it has only been very recently that I have started to tell a few people in person. In my new volunteer work, my history is relevant, so I made the decision to tell some of the women I’ve met through those groups.
It has brought out some unexpected reactions.
One woman, who does very large educational events about sexual exploitation and human trafficking asked if I would be willing to “tell my story” at one of her huge venues.
That kind of shocked me. I wasn’t sure what kind of story she was seeking from me. Was I supposed to talk about myself as a victim of exploitation?
I blushed, stammered, and declined.
Then another lady asked to meet with me in private, saying she wanted to “Hear my testimony.” I had no idea what she meant. Do you? What is my testimony?
Later, I had a long lunch with a brilliant, pro-sex, feminist prostitute who thought she’d met a kindred spirit in advocacy for sex workers. She was trashing all the outreach work that I was participating in. The lunch didn’t end well….
Telling my story in person can be de-centering. Sometimes it feels like another version of being ‘on stage,’ like I’m exploiting myself, once again, for other people’s salacious interests, or being requested to play a part that doesn’t suit me.
Then, last month, a woman who directs an advocacy program asked if I would be willing to share my story — this time to a group women who are struggling with moving out of stripping and sex work.
I accepted.
I want to do this.
Maybe having to think about my stripper story is part of what brought me back to my blog. This is the one place I have been able to integrate my own story, in a very messy and imperfect way, that feels like I am connecting to my own true self.
So, I’ll be ‘telling my story’ to these women for the first time in February.
Whew! I guess it’s time to figure out what it is!
Category social work, spiritual growth, volunteer work | Tags: | 10 Comments
December 28, 2011 by Jennifer
I’ve decided to start over with a new blog. There have been quite a few changes since my last post on my last blog. I’ve missed you guys! I’ll update soon. (In the meantime, you can check my About Me or My Green Village pages to see what’s up.)
Look, there's a baby in there!
Category pregnancy, single mom | Tags: | 20 Comments